Are We There Yet?
Suddenly, the mom is cursing like a sailor
Lori Clinch

I was having a lovely phone conversation with my sister the other day when she asked me out of the blue, "What are you doing?"

"What do you mean, what am I doing?" I replied with bewilderment before I answered quite curtly. "I'm talking to you."

"OK," she said, "but did you know that you just said the 'd' word."

"I said the 'd' word?"

"Yeah," she responded with disdain, "we were talking in a refined fashion and then out of the blue you said the 'd' word."

"Oh," I replied, not really getting what the big deal was.

"It's just that I've noticed that you've been cussing more lately."

Well now, see, I hadn't really noticed that I'd been cussing, and isn't it just like a little sister to point out one's shortcomings? And Patti is just the type to tell me when I've been cussing. She'll also tell me when I'm packing on the pounds, have become a little too crazy with my new and cute hairdo, and to warn me that I have a chive in my tooth.

Still, the cussing thing bothered me because I come from a long line of non-cussing women. Although my dad can spit out curse words like a truck driver and my brother has been known to drop a bomb in the middle of Christmas dinner, the women in our family were raised to speak with class.

You'd be hard-pressed to hear my mom say a curse word; in fact, she'd be loath to even spell one out. And if she's repeating a statement where a cuss word was involved, she'll fill in the appropriate blasphemous spots with "blankety-blank."

For instance, just last week one of her neighbors - that she politely refers to as "those people" - was out on his front lawn and cussing at his wife at the top of his lungs. "It was the most awful thing I'd ever heard," Mom complained to me over the phone. "He came out of the house, slammed the door and hollered out, 'I've had it with your blank, you blankety-blank-blank!'" she said.

"No!" I responded with fake disgust.

"Yep," Mom continued, "he said it and then his wife called him a dirty so-and-so." Mom also likes to use "so-and-so" now and then. (Although, I'll assure you that it's not quite as versatile as a strategically utilized "blankety blank blank.")

Growing up with a woman who hasn't said anything more extreme than "darn" and "dalburn" her whole life, I try to follow suit - most of the time. I try to use dang instead of the expletive, shoot instead of that other bad word, and gosh rather than to take God's name in vain. I've gone to great lengths to use dadgummit, shucks, and if it'll save me from going there, I'll use heck instead of h-e-double-hockey-stick.

I just feel that it's best to save the serious cursing for a time when the kids are not within earshot and there's no one around who will tell my mom.

So, imagine my dismay the other day when I overheard my youngest child ask his friend, "Does your mom cuss?"

"Yeah," his little buddy reported. "I heard her say the 'd' word on her way to school just this morning. Why, does your mom cuss?"

"Yes," my little boy answered. "She usually uses words like dang and darn, but one time I heard her say the 'd' word when she burnt her fingers on the stove. Then just yesterday she said the 's' word when she saw that we were out of milk again."

"Charlie!" I exclaimed with embarrassment, "you know that Mommy doesn't use those words!"

"Yeah huh! I've heard you say the 'p' word, the 'b' word, and once when you thought we weren't listening, you told Dad that you heard on the news that something broke the 'd' word."

"But, honey, I was talking about a dam that broke."

"See there," said Charlie as he turned to his friend. "I can't believe that she actually kisses us with that mouth."

Turns out my efforts to be a non-curser haven't been worth a blank.

Lori Clinch is the mother of four sons and the author of the book "Are We There Yet?" You can reach her at www.loriclinch.com.