Lori Clinch

Are We There Yet?

Grandma flunks the

test for telling gender

We awoke one day last spring to realize that we had five kittens.Some would blame friends who convince you that five kittens are just the little bit of wildlife that you need. Some would blame a young boy who begs you to let him keep them all. And some would say, "You show me a woman with five kittens and I'll show you a gal who freaks out when she sees a mouse in her kitchen."

Nevertheless, it didn't take long before we realized that five kittens were not a good idea and that some of them simply had to take up residence elsewhere. Since reproduction could be a problem, we needed someone to help us make wise choices in the kitten-elimination process.

Now, my Mom knows everything when it comes to animals. Not only does she know that the African pygmy goose likes to incubate in the established nests of hammerkop storks, but she often reminds little listeners that many parents in the animal kingdom are inclined to eat their young.

Since our objective was to get rid of anything that could give birth, her wisdom was just what we needed.

"How can you tell if the kittens are boys or girls, Grandma?" the kids asked excitedly.

"Oh," Grandma explained wisely, "it takes years to develop a keen eye, and your Grandma just happens to know and fully understand the markings that indicate the gender. Now stand back and let me do a full examination."

"This one is a boy," Mom said as she began lifting tails. "This one is a girl, this one is a girl, and these two are most definitely boys."

That being taken care of, we did what we had to do. We kept Kobe Bryant, Little Joe and Duke, and gave Lilly and Hazel to nice people who would appreciate their happy, reproducing ways.

Three kittens may still be too many to house, but we provided our tomcats with a nice lifestyle, and they, in turn, made sure that our home was free of rodents, snakes, and any other reptilian infestations.

Things went along just swimmingly until the day we noticed that Kobe was getting a little thick in the middle. At first we thought that perhaps he was spending too much time at the feeding trough, or perhaps he was catching more than his fair share of rodents. Therefore, we cut back on Kobe's Happy Cat Cuisine and served him dinner on a small platter so he would think he was getting more. One of the kids even hung a picture of Garfield on Kobe's feeding bowl in hopes that it would be an inspiration for him to drop a couple of pounds.

Despite all of our efforts and a consultation with feline weight-watchers, Kobe gained more size than a woman with water retention, eventually getting so fat that he could barely get through the cat door.

Imagine my surprise when my 9-year-old came running into the kitchen to announce that Kobe had given birth. "He had six babies, Mom! Can all boy cats have babies?"

Picture my pain when Little Joe got wide in the hips and Duke became portly. While I was busily trying to convince myself that my own mother could not have been wrong three times in a row, our cats were starting up support groups for single felines and scouring the neighborhood for around-the-clock day care.

We had Mother out for breakfast a week later and the boys ran and grabbed some of the new kittens. "Tell us if they're boys or girls, Grandma!"

"Well," Grandma replied as she once again began lifting tails, "this one's a boy and this one's a boy...."

"Stop right there, Mom," I insisted, as I walked into the room, "You don't know what you're talking about."

"Oh, I do too! I can tell by the anatomy. This one here has a exclamation point and this one most definitely has a semicolon."

"Yeah, well, the mother of those kittens is named Kobe."

"Well then, it was just a fluke, cuz my family has been telling the gender of kittens for generations. Kobe's anatomy must have been a little left of center."

She may have been right, but that certainly doesn't explain why Little Joe gave birth to a group of seven and Duke is out in the garage nursing a full set of octuplets, even as we speak.

If you need kittens anytime soon, we'd certainly be the people to contact. We offer a wide assortment of precious kittens that are darling and great for rodent control. Although if gender is important to you, I'd recommend that you use someone who doesn't use punctuation marks to determine the gender.

Lori Clinch is the mother of four sons and the author of the book "Are We There Yet?" Her e-mail address is clinch@atcjet.net.