How Lori scared the burglar away
Are We There Yet?
Lori Clinch

When the doorbell rang last Tuesday I wasn’t too alarmed. Then I saw a stranger through the glass and the rational voice that I often hear inside my head told me, “DON’T OPEN THAT DOOR!”

Naturally, this is the same voice that also tells me that I should NOT purchase gifts for myself just because they’re 75 percent off and I’ve been know to ignore that voice.

So I opened the door. The man didn’t seem too threatening at the time and simply wanted to know if I knew where the Hodges lived. I told him that I didn’t and shut the door.

The situation bothered me, but I didn’t know why. Some might think it was his demeanor, others would suspect it was his shifty eyes, but I believe it was a woman’s intuition. Now that I think about it, it could have been the hockey mask that was hanging out of his back pocket.

(Kidding, just making sure you were paying attention.)

He left and I made lunch for my husband. Pat came home and dined and then left as I commenced to prepare for an afternoon of Christmas shopping.

I went into the garage to get some stuff out of the car when I noticed that the garage walk door was unlocked. The voice inside my head again spoke and told me to lock that door.

I’m pretty sure that this time the voice was God Himself, because the voice wasn’t cute. Rather it was one of those, “and I mean it” voices. Any individual of sound mind and body listens to that voice. So I locked the door and walked toward my car. Then I heard a vehicle come speeding into the driveway.

I went into the house and looked at the window and I’ll be dogged if that same man wasn’t right smack dab on the front porch.

Well-ell! I certainly wasn’t about to open the door this time and I certainly did NOT need the little voice inside my head to tell me that it wasn’t a good idea. After all, if I didn’t know where the Hodges lived at 11:30, then I certainly did NOT know where they lived at 12:45.

The guy rang the bell with a vengeance and finally walked off of the porch. It would have been a great relief if he had left. But he didn’t and I’d barely had a chance to cross the foyer when I saw his reflection in the mirror. I’ll be dogged if he wasn’t coming back up to the door. I went into the kitchen and grabbed the portable phone, my cell phone and a phone book (might as well call Penney’s to see if they could hold their sale prices until 3, what with the burglar and all).

When I again worked up the nerve to peek around the corner he was gone. He had not, however, headed off to torment others. Rather, that nasty elf was busily trying to pick the lock on the garage door, the very door I had just locked.

Now, I’m not one to lose composure, however, I was a little beside myself. My heart was racing, my knees were weak and I’ll be danged if I could unclench my fists long enough to use the phone.

Somehow I managed to call the neighbors in hopes they could come and rescue me. I was in the middle of leaving a frantic message on their machine when that guy again appeared at the front door. He gave it one desperate, final ring before he finally got into his car and drove away.

Now, I think we can all attest to the fact that a would-be burglar leaving the premises is always grand. But wouldn’t you know it, that dirty would-be thief did a U-turn and headed down a road that leads around to the backside of the house.

So NOW I call the law (I’ll say it for you, DUH!) The dispatcher asked me to stay on the line no matter what, which was not a problem because I don’t think my fingers could work well enough to push the hang up button anyway. I was busily answering her questions when I heard a noise in the basement.

(Kinda makes your blood run cold, doesn’t it?)

I scurried to the kitchen and looked out the all-glass door (can’t have enough of those) and down onto the patio below and I’ll be danged if that abominable man wasn’t busily trying to break into the mud room with a screwdriver.

Color me moving from scared witless to just plain mad. After all, THAT’S A NEW DOOR! I banged on the window with a vengeance, and screamed out objections. Much to the dismay of my mother, I did say the “d” word. But gosh darnit, you show me someone who wouldn’t curse at this point and I’ll show you someone who’s not attached to that door.

Just then this would-be burglar turned and looked at me as if I was insane. He then shrugged his shoulders, shook his head as if to say, “Women!” and he turned and walked away,

And that, my dear friend, is how I scared off the burglar. A long interview and a photo line-up led to an arrest of a man who was a suspect for whole rash of robberies. Hopefully he’ll be spending a great deal of time sitting in a jail cell contemplating what he did wrong.

If I weren’t so busy trying to finish up my Christmas shopping, I’d go down there and educate him myself.

Lori Clinch is the mother of four sons and the author of the book “Are We There Yet?” Her e-mail address is clinch@atcjet.net.